Autism Awareness Month, I am over it!!

Call it what you like, but Autism Awareness Month does not help me or most of the parents I know. It more reminds us how alone we are and how the big blue puzzle piece uses this month to suck more money out of our community and away from charities that actually help families like mine, but I regress.

This years "Autism Awareness Month" is especially painful. Every year I read about parents who kill their children with autism and sometimes themselves, but this year it hit me especially hard as it not only my community, it is not just my state, but it is my county, San Diego County. A mom, killed her child and possibly tried to kill herself. I am consumed with guilt, even though I have never met this woman or her child. I just know I could have been this woman and Austin could have been this child. The difference between me and her, I am not sure. I like to think it is my two older kids who were teens during the years of hell, the years of poop smears, not sleeping, trying to figure out diet, biomedical and services and an awesome brother-in-law, mother-in-law, sister and mom who were on my side and did not under mind me or Ed through the whole process of trying to figure diet and biomedical out. And yes I did list the in-laws first for a reason, most moms I know have some issues with their own families but they have more with their in-laws. For me I never had an issue for with any, they were all on team Austin and still are. I thank God daily for the fact that I have a team of family members who "get it", but I know my fellow PITAs and Warrior parents are not all as lucky as me. I know most of my friends do not have the family support I have.

I worry about families who do not have the support I do, the families who have no family support, no community support and no one to listen to them and know that they are not alone. I can only imagine how Daniel's mom felt, how alone she was, how desperate she was and what could have overwhelmed her to the point that she would hurt her own child and try to hurt herself. I pray for Daniel's dad, I know he is feeling guilt, and wondering how he missed the signs, I worry he will never get over it, I worry about him being alone. He is now in two worlds but does not belong to either, he had a kid with autism and he had a kid that was murdered, he is a lost soul, I am sure he is also confused about his feelings about his wife, the mother and murderer of his child. I look at my own husband and I project my own feelings onto him in two ways, 1 what if I was Daniel's mom and had done this and what if he was the one who had done this. I have no answers. I have more questions than answers. I am confused. I am overwhelmed. And again I am thankful, I am thankful that 6.5 years ago, I had more support than I knew and I am not Daniel's mom, I am Austin's mom. I am also Ashley's mom, Nickalas's Mom, and Emily's Mom, I am Tanya's sister, Clem's sister in law, and Sandy's daughter and Ed's wife, and Shelly's best friend, and even though my best friend would be the first to say she can't watch Austin she is there always to back me up and if I called her she would know who could and would get both me and Austin the help we needed immediately.

I am a lucky one, I had a team behind me. A very supportive team or as my sister calls them my "ASS", my AUTISM SUPPORT STAFF, they along with my fellow PITAs are my life line. They are what keep me moving forward and what makes me know tomorrow will be okay!! MY PITAs and my ASSes are also what keep me moving everday. I know I can ask for help.

I pray daily to make sure every parent like me has at least a PITA or an ASS. If your not a parent of a child with autism, I pray you will be an ASS, we need you, we desparately need you!!!